


Three taps (into my heart)

by Delirious_Insanity



Series: Tapping (into the heart) [1]
Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Billy Hargrove Needs a Hug, Billy Hargrove Redemption, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/F, F/M, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Torture, Lesbian Heather Holloway, Lesbian Robin Buckley, M/M, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Non-Graphic Violence, Recreational Drug Use, References to Depression, Soft Billy Hargrove, Steve Harrington Has Bad Parents, Steve Harrington Has Nightmares, Steve Harrington Needs a Hug, Suicidal Thoughts, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2020-10-09
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:48:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26909152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Delirious_Insanity/pseuds/Delirious_Insanity
Summary: Prompt made by wickedlydevious on Tumblr~~~"He understood now what Billy meant. Steve thought it was a nervous tick, something he did to calm himself down.But, now? He was telling Steve he loved him, in his own way."~~~Prompt: Billy is too scared to say "i love you" so instead he starts tapping Steve on his chest over his heart or just like lightly punching him over his heart and it takes Steve a while to figure out what he's doing but without saying anything he starts doing it back
Relationships: Billy Hargrove & Maxine "Max" Mayfield, Billy Hargrove & Steve Harrington, Billy Hargrove/Steve Harrington, Jonathan Byers/Nancy Wheeler, Joyce Byers/Jim "Chief" Hopper, Robin Buckley & Steve Harrington, Robin Buckley/Heather Holloway, Steve Harrington & Dustin Henderson
Series: Tapping (into the heart) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1963798
Comments: 10
Kudos: 129





	Three taps (into my heart)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [wickedlydevious](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wickedlydevious/gifts).



> Wickedlydevious didn't ask for anyone specific to write this, but I just felt a need to get it written. First time posting on AO3, kinda weird, not gonna lie. I might make this into a series, who knows?
> 
> As stated in the tags, there is multiple stuff implied, but not explicitly described. The most you'll get is breif descriptions of injuries and marijuana use. 
> 
> This is my first contribution to this universe, so I hope you enjoy the story.

Steve was confused. 

Nothing could warrant for what happened, even if it wasn't bad. He just didn't know what to think of it. His brain couldn't wrap around Billy Hargrove apologizing. 

His morning wasn't any different from the others. He woke up, heart pounding as the images of his nightmare left him. 

_The demodogs had gotten too close, their maws nipping the kids feet. He was trying to fight them with his bat, but they kept closing in, their teeth almost wrapping around Dustin's foot-_

It took him a while to calm back down, to slow his thoughts while tracing the nails of his bat. He had migrated to the living room, sitting on an uncomfortable couch while the sun rose above the horizon. 

Once the light hit his eyes, Steve went about his routine. Changing into a simple polo and pants, looking at food that was unappealing, forcing down a single slice of toast. He had grabbed the biggest tumbler he had, filling it with black coffee. 

Usually, he liked to add cream and sugar, but that would only delay the effects of the caffeine. So, Steve sucked it up, swallowing mouthfuls of black, bland coffee.

His hands were shaking when he grabbed his keys and bag, but he ignored it as he started the car. 

(If he couldn't quite grip the wheel the first couple of times, well, no one saw anything, so it didn't happen, right?)

He made his way to Dustin's, the conversation the same as Dustin excitedly talked about some science experiment the AV club was doing after school. 

Steve nodded at the appropriate times, pretending he didn't see the side glances when he grimaced at his coffee. It was still piping hot, but he found he didn't care, just hoped the caffeine would kick in soon.

After dropping him off at Hawkins Middle, he made Dustin promise to be on time, that he wouldn't go to the woods alone for the project.

(If his throat closed up at the thought of the woods, well, he had allergies, okay?)

Steve only left after making sure Dustin promised, even doing a spit shake, as much as he hated them.

_The screams as the teeth tore into the soft flesh, the screams of terror as the rest surrounded the group-_

He drove to the high school, forcing his mind to blank as he sipped on his scorching coffee. Since he was slightly early, something he didn't notice when leaving the house, he had parked as close to the school as possible.

It was then, that Hargrove apologized. 

His face had been healed for two months now, although Steve still had some scars from the plate, the biggest hidden by his hair. 

Hargrove had simply tapped his window, Marlboro's in one hand and a cigarette in his lips. His face was pinched, as if fighting every instinct to flee. 

Steve, only slightly cautious, because _demodogs were chasing them, they were going to die, the kids were going to die, it would be his fault, he was stupid, his fault, stupid, his fault, stupid-_

because he had other things to be afraid of. Scarier things to be afraid of. 

So, really, he got out of the car only slightly cautious because Hargrove was only a small blip on his radar. 

And, well, Hargrove offered him a cigarette, which he took, and apologized so quietly Steve barely heard him. Then, after lighting Steve's cigarette, he basically ran away, only with a powerful strut. 

Steve was confused. 

_Why did he apologize? Why now, two months after the incident? Did he apologize to Lucas? The other kids? Did Max force him to? What was he thinking?_

He was smoking unconsciously, the slight burn of nicotine a nice contrast to the burn on his tongue. 

The smoke felt wonderful curling in his longs, almost like it was trying to find a home. Trying to force itself in him, to become one with him.

Steve stubbed out the cigarette with his shoe, readjusting his bag as he set off to homeroom. 

He couldn't focus, only this time because of Hargrove. Usually when he couldn't focus, it was because of _flower shaped maws, opening wide to take off his face, the kids already dead behind him-_

because of the nightmares he had. 

In a way, he was relieved, only focusing on a human being who confused him. 

~~~

Steve spent the rest of the day, week, month noticing the small changes in Hargrove's personality. 

While he was still aggressive, it seemed to be focused solely on himself, like he was angry at who he was. He still crowded Steve in basketball, but he also passed to him, worked with him in plays that made them unstoppable. 

The coach noticed, becoming ecstatic as they won a game a total 20 points more than the other team. He congratulated the two of them, his hands shaking as he explained how many plays they could now use.

At some point, _Hargrove_ became _Billy_ , someone who shared a cigarette with him at the quarry after a long day, or a long night full of restless sleeping.

(If they were filled with monsters with maws that were flower-shaped, well, he never said anything.)

Those meetings soon turned into interactions at school, lunches shared smoking blunts underneath the bleachers, jokes quietly snickered back and forth in second period. 

Then, they met Robin Buckley, a band geek that took no bullshit. 

Steve didn't get it. He was _bullshit, so why were they friends? He was stupid, bullshit, an idiot, no one worth saving-_

The three of them got in trouble frequently, each time causing Billy to come back with bruises the were fresh, Steve with hidden bruises when his father was home, and Robin with eye bags. 

Despite that, they continued, not saying anything when they saw a hidden bruise or scratch.

~~~

Robin had came out to them at the quarry, after they all had at least two beers and a blunt. Her voice was monotone, mind somewhere else as she spilled her innermost secret, obviously expecting some backlash. 

Instead, Billy quietly added his own input, about how he never did like girls, but his dad would kill him if word got around that he was a _faggot_. 

(Steve flinched when he said the last word, how Billy spit it out with a venom he hadn't heard in a long time.)

He didn't know what to do, what to say, as both of his best friends looked at him, worry in their eyes. His mind pictured the Upside Down, how they wouldn't believe him if he said anything about it. Besides, he signed nondisclosure agreements, so he legally couldn't say anything. 

Instead, he stared over the edge of the quarry, talking about Nancy and her final words to him, how he was _bullshit_ , how their relationship was _bullshit_ , how the love they had (actually, only he had) was _bullshit_. 

He said that, even if they had a good relationship now,

(Who was he kidding? They barely talked, awkward exchanges in the hallways, forced smiles from all parties. Jonathan seemed to be the only one unaffected, but maybe he was good at _pretending_.)

It was still hard to see them together. How they went through so much together, which he didn't elaborate, only to end up alone again, like always. 

The last part, Steve only whispered. No one knew of the bruises hidden by his shirts and shorts, the cuts and broken bones he learned to hide. How he knew certain ways to breathe when you had broken ribs, to walk without a limp.

To finish, he turned back to them, saying with a smile, "I don't care who you love. It isn't like I have much say in it, or anyone else. It's just your biology."

Both of them were crying by the end of it, tears streaming down their faces as they turned away, pretending they weren't. 

(Steve secretly wished he could cry, but he had that beat out of him a long time ago, because his cries and sobs were _annoying, you ungrateful brat-_ )

Instead, he turned back around, grabbed beers for all of them, and toasted to horrible lives. 

~~~

The first time Billy and Steve kissed, Robin had dared them too. 

They all sat in front of Steve's fireplace, different bottles of liquor surrounding them, when Robin had gotten the idea to play truth or dare. 

(She had invited her girlfriend, Heather Holloway, to drink with them. Steve saw the way they looked at each other, feeling his heart ache because he wanted that, but he couldn't have it because _he was stupid, he was bullshit. You're an idiot, Steve Harrington_.)

Billy had shrugged, took a swig of some expensive whiskey, and pulled Steve towards him. It was awkward at first, Steve unsure of what he should do until Billy forced his arms around his neck. 

After that, they both relaxed, kissing desperately into the others mouth. Tongues colliding, Steve felt a familiar heat pool in his stomach, a heat that caused his cheeks to blush. 

Robin and Heather simple hooted, giving each other a high five with wide grins on their faces. 

They teased them about it, how they had to physically pull them away from each other. Billy and Steve both blushed heavily, sitting beside each other. 

The thing was, he didn't hate it. In fact, Steve knew he liked something about Billy, more than he liked about Robin. 

He just thought it was because Billy was his first, real friend. Now, he knew he had a crush on him. 

(Which terrified him. He wasn't anything special, and just because Billy already admitted to being gay, it didn't mean he liked Steve. He only went with it because it was a dare, the blush a natural reaction.)

He didn't notice when he started spiralling, when the nightmares came back in full force,

(The last one was a lie, he just didn't want to think about it. They were worse, Billy now included with Robin and Heather, all confused and dead by the end of it.)

when he couldn't stop his hands from shaking, even if he had no coffee. 

His father noticed when he came back in early March, unannounced. Billy was with him, helping Steve with some of his homework when the front door opened, John Harrington staring at him.

Steve rushed to explain, showing him the homework, even though he knew it would do nothing. He saw it in his eyes, the disgust and hatred, even as John nodded and left to his study.

He pushed Billy to leave, not wanting to anger his father more than he already was. Billy, seeming to understand, only looked at him, forcing Steve to promise to meet him at the quarry later. 

That night, Steve fell down the stairs, breaking his collarbone and wrist, bruising his hips.

(No one asked why the bruises on his neck were finger-shaped, because they weren't there. _He wasn't important, wasn't meant to be saved, he was going to die alone-_ )

When he arrived at the quarry, limping and flinching, Billy simply gave him a cigarette, not saying a word as they sat on the Camaro's hood. When tears soaked his eyes, Steve was held, not forced to talk.

He returned late that night, sleeping like the dead. After a couple hours, he woke up screaming, John beating on his door.

~~~

Monday rolled around, Steve's wrist only bandaged, his eye black but not swollen. When asked what happened, he stated he fell down the stairs, which was believable because the bruises were fading.

That was the second time Billy kissed him. 

It was just them at the quarry, an hour until they had to pick the kids up from the arcade, Robin and Heather on a date in the next couple towns over.

Billy just looked at him, slowly cupped his face, and pressed his lips against Steve's. 

It wasn't like their first kiss, all hot and messy. It was slow, sweet, to the point that it hurt Steve's heart. 

Tears spilled, his heart clenching as he was shown love again. Billy wiped his tears away, holding him as he began to sob, his body shaking. 

He admitted everything, from John Harrington to the Upside Down. He spoke of his fears, his nightmares, how he sometimes wishes he could just throw himself over the quarry's edge and be done with it all.

(He isn't suicidal, but he can't help to think about how much easier it'd be to do so. However, he knows it would be selfish, so he quiets the voice when it speaks.)

By the end of it, Billy tapped him above his heart three times, still holding him. His soft voice was welcomed to Steve's ears, talking about his own experiences. 

Billy talked about his father, Neil. How he knew what human monsters were. He talked about California, how much he missed it and his mother. 

He also admitted to knowing what a demodog was, opening the fridge for some ice after the fight with Steve. 

He said that he freaked out, because it looked so real, but he forced himself to believe it was a stupid prop for the kid's AV club.

That was the day they officially became boyfriends, although quietly agreeing to keep it a secret. 

~~~

John Harrington left the next day, his mother trailing behind him with empty eyes. 

Steve watched them leave from the floor, dried blood on the corner of his lips. His ears were ringing, drowning out the sound of an engine revving nearby. 

His eyes closed, head throbbing as he tried to force himself to stand. 

It wasn't usually this bad, but his teacher had called, requesting a conference to talk about his "low" grades.

(He was passing with a solid C. He didn't think it would warrant a call home, but it did, apparently.)

He must've passed out, because when he next woke up, he was in his bed, a different pair of clothes on him and hair damp. 

Steve turned his head slightly, saw Billy beside him, just staring at the ceiling. Sighing, he rolled over, ignoring the pain that flashed through his body. He laid his head on Billy's chest, resting his hand above his heart. 

Billy tapped his fingers three times on Steve's arm, a habit Steve was noticing. 

"Hey." Steve croaked, his throat sore. 

Billy handed him a glass of water, something Steve never noticed. 

"What happened?" Billy murmured, his voice soft. Steve could hear Heather and Robin downstairs, laughing and chatting away. 

"Grades." 

Billy hummed, kissing his head. He seemed tired, exhausted. Steve felt bad, he was making Billy worry, _worry about nothing important. He didn't deserve it. He couldn't even keep kids safe, he was an idiot, stupid, waste of space-_

He took a shuddering breath, his heart stuttering in his chest. He chased the thoughts away, focusing on Billy's heartbeat, the rise and fall of his chest.

The went downstairs an hour later, hungry and maybe wanting to get high.

Robin demanded a vegetable pizza, sharing it with Heather as Billy shared a meat lover's with Steve. If the two noticed the bruises or how close they were, no one voiced anything. 

When they were done and smoked a blunt each, Billy had to get going. Robin and Heather agreed, hugging him bye before walking out. Billy lingered, taking the hugs before giving Steve his goodbye. 

He kissed him gently, tapping his heart three times before hugging him goodbye. Steve watched him leave, tapping his own heart three times. He wondered what it meant.

~~~

School ended, Steve barely graduating. His parents didn't arrive for his ceremony, but that was okay. He had Hop and Joyce, the kids, Billy, Robin and Heather. Nancy and Jonathan were there, but looked uncomfortable, which he understood. 

He and Robin applied for Scoops, Billy and Heather to be lifeguards. They all got hired, worked the same hours, so they all hung out after their shifts. 

Then, the Russians happened. Billy happened. 

He was so determined to save Robin and the kids, Billy never crossed his mind. He didn't even know Billy was in the mall, didn't know he was helping The Party against his own father, Neil Hargrove. 

(You see, Billy had been captured by The Mindflayer. But, since Steve had told him everything, he went to him, asking for help. 

Unfortunately, when he had first got possessed and passed out, Billy had unwillingly recruited his father. 

They took him to the sauna, burning it out of him. When it became clear that it wouldn't be enough, Steve had cried, holding a lighter to the back of his neck. 

They got it out in the end, but the burn would scar, this time it was _Steve's fault Billy was hurt, it was always his fault people got hurt. That's why Barb died, why everyone got possessed-_ )

When he got back to the surface, Billy was fending off Neil, shielding El with his own body. Even in his drugged, messed up mind, Steve knew he had to help. 

Hop was already down at the gate with Joyce, getting ready to close it. Heather and Robin were helping The Party throw fireworks at The Mindflayer.

Steve moved to them, slower because of the drugs and beat down he received, but he was getting to him, almost able to help with Neil-

That's when it happened. When the scene that broke Steve happened. 

Neil moved to punch Billy, who held off his arms. Suddenly, a black tendril shot through their stomachs, forcing them to cough up blood. Another shot out, catching Billy in the shoulder as he moved, shielding El once again. 

The gate closed, The Mindflayer died with Neil Hargrove, but Billy was still bleeding out. 

Steve was the first one there, putting Billy's head in his lap. He stroked his hair, tears pouring down his face. 

_His fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault, his fault-_

Max swooped down beside him, dropping her head onto Billy's chest and sobbing. She was screaming at him, calling him stupid, but _it was Steve's fault, he should've been watching him, should've been keeping him safe. Now he was dying and it was Steve's fault, always his fault-_

but Billy shut her up, telling her he was sorry. Max seemed to cry harder, her sobbing shaking her body full force. 

Steve didn't care anymore, he leaned down and kissed Billy. It was a simple press of lips, tasting like salt and tears and sadness. 

Billy only smiled, tapped Steve's heart three times, and said, "Love you, pretty boy."

His breathing seemed harsher, Billy's eyes closing as Steve, heart breaking in two, said, "I love you, too, baby." He tapped Billy's heart three times, saw the smile it got, then watched as he became still, his body losing tension. 

Billy stopped breathing, Max was screaming, her hands fluttering around him, unsure of what to do. 

Steve was disconnected, his mind somewhere else as he started CPR, pumping Billy's heart while instructing Max what to do. 

He understood now what Billy meant. Steve thought it was a nervous tick, something he did to calm himself down. 

But, now? He was telling Steve he loved him, in his own way. In his own special, unique way, because no one taught him how to show his emotions. 

And Steve was _too stupid to realize it, too stupid to think about him, if he was safe, if he was alive. It was his fault Barb died, his fault Billy died-_

Joyce appeared, alone, and suddenly Steve was back in his head. He saw her face, the sadness that covered it like a blanket,

_his fault Hop died-_

a sadness that she couldn't get rid of. Steve knew he was wearing the same expression, but he felt numb. 

He couldn't feel the pain, both physical or emotional, couldn't hear anything except an annoying ringing noise. 

Finally, everything seemed to catch up, Billy wasn't breathing, his heart wasn't beating, and Steve fell sideways, passing out cold.

~~~

He sat on the quarry's edge. 

It was already late August, more than a month since Starcourt. More than a month since he lost everyone, his best friends, his boyfriend.

Steve had a bottle of whiskey beside him, his eyes dull, dark eye bags beneath them. Nightmares plagued his sleep every night, forcing him to lay awake to shake and cry, reliving the moment Billy died in his arms.

Sometimes, he dreams that Billy was the one being controlled, that he hated Steve, that he wanted to kill Steve. 

Other times, Billy told him it was his fault, everything was his fault, _which he already knew. It repeated in his head, like a mantra, everything he could've done different to save him-_

Robin and Heather moved to Chicago, getting away from the heartbreak and pain that was left at Hawkins. They begged Steve to go with them, but he couldn't, because this was where Billy was, where he was buried.

So, Steve sat at the quarry, Billy's pendant hanging from his chest. His fingers moved unconsciously, tapping his heart three times, Billy's last words echoing around in his head. 

_"I love you, pretty boy."_

Tears streamed down his face, burning his eyes. 

His family hasn't been back since March, hasn't asked if he was okay. He didn't have anyone, not since Billy had gone. 

Joyce uprooted her family and moved, including El. Susan moved Max back to California, hoping the place would make it easier for her to grieve. Nancy and her family moved to New York, all of them scared that it could happen again. 

Only Dustin and Lucas had stayed, but they left, too, albeit later than the others. Miss Henderson got overprotective, so he didn't ever see Dustin, he didn't take them to the arcade, he didn't speak to them. 

(Earlier that month, he heard a rumor that the Sinclair's were looking for a new place, a couple towns over. He honestly wanted Lucas to go, he wanted them both to go, so that they could be free of this. 

Be free from the Upside Down, from monsters with flower faces, from friends that used to be enemies. 

But, he knew Dustin wouldn't be able to go. So, to help financially, he sent Miss Henderson $100,000, anonymously. Of course, this was before he got cut off from his father.)

He waited this long, because Lucas was leaving today, and Dustin moved last week. They took off after Joyce, Miss Henderson wanting Dustin to be with friends. 

Lucas was moving to California to be with Max, to help her deal with Billy, away from his actual grave. 

Steve swallowed the rest of the bottle, knowing Lucas had left already. It was well after evening, the sky having been dark for what felt like ages. 

Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out a pack of Marlboro's, grabbing a cigarette. Lighting it, he breathed in the smoke, remembering the way Billy tasted the first time they kissed. 

Steve was the only one in Hawkins who new what had happened. He knew the truth, and he was the only one left to protect Hawkins. He already joined the police academy, leaving next week for the six week course. 

He didn't want to stay, he wanted to throw himself off the cliff, to feel the wind rush by his head as he neared the water. He wanted to feel the pain as he hit the surface, similar to hitting concrete, he's heard. 

But, he knew it would be back. The Upside Down never went away, not fully. 

So, while it might kill him in the process, he was staying. He would stay in Hawkins, Indiana, to ensure that, when it came back, no one else had to deal with it. 

Steve closed his eyes, laying on the earthy ground beneath him. Breathing deeply, his eyes shot open, his hand clutching the pendant that laid against his heart.

He swore he felt a finger tap his heart, three times.


End file.
